In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize