Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
