Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
