I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
