When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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