After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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