Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
