During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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