You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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