I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
