Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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