He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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