Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
