I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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