I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
