If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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