I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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