Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
