my phone needs a breathalizer
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
