Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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