I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
