It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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