you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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