I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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