He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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