dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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