I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
