When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
