How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
