Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize