Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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