you would pick up someone in the library
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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