Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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