That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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