i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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