First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
