Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
