Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
