He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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