i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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