I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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