Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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