even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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