Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
