There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He kissed a someone with a penis
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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