Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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