He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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