She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
