you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
