I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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