Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
