I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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