I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
