I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
