is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
