wanna go halves on a baby?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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