Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
