How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
