There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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