I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
