Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize