Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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