Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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