pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
